Scary List Number 2

I wish I could properly articulate all the amazing occurrences that have started swirling around me ever since I declared my own personal war on fear. I could try but in the end you'd either be completely convinced of my mental instability (if you're not already) and/or made totally aware of my limits as a writer. Let me just say that the amazing occurrences are too numerous and blatant to be coincidental.

I KNOW that fear-less was the right word of the year for me. And here's the other thing, it's working. The more aware I become of all the fear-based jibber-jabber floating around in my hamster brain, the more I can diffuse it. And the more I listen to my thoughts, the more clear my image of Fear becomes. I was mistaken. He's not like Voldemort. He's more like Ron Weasley.

He's not evil. He's just neurotic. He needs a stiff drink or a Xanax or both. He needs a shrink and I'm just the gal for the job. And as I pay attention to the things that Frank (my pet name for him) is so uptight about, it has the same effect as would slipping a little something in his prune juice or inviting him to lie down on the coach and tell me all about it.

Before long, he loosens his tie and props his feet up on his desk, swirls the ice around in his glass and says, "You know, I like you. You really get me." Pretty soon, he gets up and stumbles over to the sofa declaring that he just needs to rest his eyes for a bit. And when Frank's asleep, the whole operation runs better. I'd fire him completely but I'm afraid he'll go get his stockpile of weapons and ammo and attempt to blow the place up. He's like that. Besides, all he really needs is a little attention.

I had to promise him that I'd properly air his grievances in order to get him to take a nap, so without further ado...

Scary List Number 2

Frank fears...

1. Being late for work (even though he likes to pretend he doesn't care if he's late);
   
2. Getting home late from work;
   
3. People who feel the need to back into parking spaces;
   
4. That he'll never really figure it all out;
   
5. That he's going to be a government worker for the rest of his life;
   
6. That his husband doesn't listen to him or respect his opinions;
   
7. Waking up in the middle of the night;
   
8. That the cleaning lady will think badly of him because his house is so dirty;
   
9. That nobody really cares about him;
   
10. That his children watch too much TV and play too many video games;
    
11. Anyone (including his kids' friends) seeing his house unkempt;
    
12. That his lack of a college degree makes him less;
    
13. That his writing doesn't even come close to being as good as all the other stuff he reads;
    
14. That people think he's crazy;
    
15. Morons on the road during rush hour.